Today your hand grazed my back to settle at my hip and I cringed inside. Nothing could have shocked me more. I used to love feeling your hand flowing over my body in a nonsexual but somehow provocative way. I used to glow with this show of possession when around our friends. My knees would go weak and from that moment on all I could think about was when I’d get you in bed. My mind a cloud of planned ecstasy. I’d wrap my arm around you and settle against your body, carrying on with the conversation I was in halfheartedly. Eventually I’d slide my hand down into your back pocket as I made an excuse to those around us and you’d give me that look. The look that meant we were on the same scandalous page.
I loved that look. But that was when I loved the look and feel of you. When I could look at you forever and every touch was welcome. Every piece of you held a special appeal.
Your hands that were so much bigger than mine and so rough in comparison. Such strong hands that would tangle in my hair as we watched movies before taking a much more intentional path. Hands that would slip under my chin to bring my face towards yours. And your back…so…masculine. I loved your back. Your legs that I’d push my feet against at night or rest my head on while reading. The nook between neck and arm that always seemed like the safest and warmest place in the whole world…
Your voice. God, your fucking voice. It was the first thing I ever knew of you. And for that it was always extra delicious to me.
But now…looking at you makes me…sad. Sad because I no longer see those things in the same way. I try to see you in the same way but…its different. Everything is so different from it was.
Now when your hand grazes my back to settle at my hip – I cringe inside. When did this happen? What happened with us that your touch doesn’t send shivers down my spine and fill my stomach with a rumbling of excitement?
I want to cry in this moment because I’ve seen everything clearly for the first time and I’m shattered. But instead…I immediately wrap my arm around you and settle against your body. In a bit I’ll casually but intently slide my hand down into your back pocket and give you a look. I’ll take you to bed and do my best to push that cringe far from my mind.
Because I’m not ready to let you go. Not yet.