So if you are anything like me…you were a little crazy at one point and are now trying to live your life differently. Anyone like me?? ANYWAYS. When I was younger I smoked, drank, partook of recreational drugs, could have been classified as promiscuous, and was an all around party animal. This was awesome…when my mind was clouded by the aforementioned stuff. But one day, my mind wasn’t clouded. I could see clearly now, the rain haze was gone…and I was sad.
At this point I slowly started moving my life in a different direction...but no one came with me. All of my friends stayed in the land of cloudy minds as I wandered – in search of a better me. Giving up drinking was hard. Saying no to sex was hard. Not indulging in hallucinogenic drugs was hard. Going to bed on time for a full 8 hours was hard. Losing my friends was excruciating. I died a little inside.
What I hadn’t previously realized was just how much of my time with friends was spent doing things I didn’t want to do anymore. Now I saw them drinking at 9AM and cringed. I heard them say goodnight in the afternoons, having stayed up partying all night, and sighed. I went with them to Planned Parenthood for STD checks and mini marts for pregnancy tests and no longer thought it was funny. Bar fights just pissed me off now, it seems violence over stupid stuff doesn’t make as much sense when sober. It occurred to me that we never had deep conversations that weren’t powered by a bottle of Jack and we weren’t hanging out to do things other than get wasted.
I technically understood why they would sweep cigarettes in front of me…I knew how shitty it was smoking alone. I understood why any time a hardship was mentioned they swiftly offered booze…drinking alone can make you feel like you have a problem.
Until then, I hadn’t realized peer pressure existed at our ripe old ages. It did. I was ridiculed for being a boring prude. It hurt. I was the boring person who didn’t want to sit around the house anymore. I wanted to go and do things. Other kinds of things. Like shopping and bookclubs and museums and AA meetings. Neither of us really wanted me hanging around anymore. But for different reasons.
I knew I was doing the right thing, but it was hard being surrounded by all of the things I was trying to avoid. I knew I couldn’t have both and it pissed me off.
Why couldn’t they just drop it and let me hang out only drinking a soda? Why couldn’t they stop introducing me as the girl who was always up for a good time to every guy we came across? Why couldn’t they just do that shit without me? WHY COULDN’T THEY JUST FUCKING SUPPORT ME?!
Then it hit me. Supporting me was my job. I couldn’t put that responsibility on them. I needed to do what was best for me. For me, at that time, that meant leaving those friendships behind.
To be continued…